


You're Drowning (You're Drowning, You're Drowning)

by Bara_no_Uta



Category: One Day at a Time (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Recovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-22 09:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19664230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: “Your feelings aren’t stupid.” They reached out to hold Elena’s hand. “It’s okay. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.”Tears welled in her eyes, guilt threatening to swallow her whole. She so desperately wanted that acceptance to be genuine, and from Syd’s perspective she knew it was, but they couldn’t give a genuine answer to a lie. It made her want to confess everything, but she was sure the answer she would receive wouldn’t be nearly so accepting. How could Syd accept her if they knew the truth?---When everything feels like too much, Elena struggles to cope. As things spiral more and more out of control, she comes to realize that she can't do this on her own.





	1. Tired of Feeling So Numb

**Author's Note:**

> Please be warned that this story features graphic depictions of self-harm. Please proceed with caution, and if you find yourself in need of support, please reach out. Here's a list of national crisis lines in many countries, most of which are available 24/7:  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
> 
> Anyway, take care of yourselves. This was pretty much written to process some memories. I went back and forth a lot about whether or not to post it, but honestly, I've had lots of times I've found comfort in reading stories about people going through things similar to what I've gone through. Maybe people could even find relief in reading about it instead of doing it. And of course there may be people who would be interested in reading it for any number of reasons.
> 
> Regarding canon, I know it's all played for laughs, but sometimes it bothers me how the family treats Elena. For example, Lydia is very obvious about favoring Alex, and I can only imagine that's gone on for his whole life, and I can't help but to think about how that would actually affect somebody to constantly hear growing up. We're not supposed to think too much of it because it's a comedy, but honestly sometimes they can be kind of mean to her.
> 
> Work title comes from "I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift. Chapter one title comes from "Cut" by Plumb.

“Elena! Come on or we’ll be late!” Alex called through the closed door. “Besides, I have _someone_ I wanna talk to before homeroom.”

She rolled her eyes and, with as much irritation as she could muster, she huffed, “I said I’ll be out in a minute!”

Her body felt heavy today. It was hard to get out of bed, and as soon as she had finished eating breakfast she had excused herself to ‘finish getting ready.’ In reality, her backpack was already packed up and ready to go, and she usually got dressed before breakfast. She wasn’t getting ready; she was sitting on her bed staring at the wall. Maybe she was getting emotionally prepared. Maybe she should meditate.

Lately, meditating wasn’t really doing her any good. She had kept doing it to manage her anxiety since her mamí had introduced it to her, and it was true that her anxiety wasn’t as intrusive as it used to be. It just… didn’t fix everything.

She had felt sad sometimes – a lot of times – ever since her papí had rejected her at her quinceañera. And even though they had more or less put that aside, the chronic emptiness that had formed in her had apparently decided to stay anyway.

Sometimes she thought of asking: _Mamí, how did you know you have depression?_ But every time the words started to form, she backed out. She couldn’t be depressed. She was only 17, and her family was so supportive, really. Not to mention an amazing significant other, and she was doing well in school. She had no _reason_ to be depressed.

When she finally emerged from her room, Penelope gave her a look of concern. “Are you feeling alright? It’s not like you to be running late.”

Elena forced a smile. “Yeah, I was texting Syd, sorry.”

“Ah, young _amor_ ,” Lydia said, prompting a laugh from Penelope.

“I remember those days. Okay. Come on, we’d better get going.” She motioned for Elena and Alex to come with her as she headed for the door.

\---

Elena got her lunch tray and looked around for a place to sit. As usual, she chose a corner as far away from everyone else as she could and began to eat alone. She tried not to let her gaze wander over to where Alex sat.

He was always surrounded by friends. Meanwhile, she had… teacher-friends. She tried to convince herself that was enough, but she knew it wasn’t. She couldn’t chat casually with them, or confide in them, or support them like one would with real friends.

It was just like at home. She knew her family loved her, but it was far from a secret that Alex was Abuelita’s favorite. He was obviously Papí’s favorite, too – the child Papí wanted. The one who wasn’t a disappointment to him. Mamí wasn’t as obvious about it, but she probably liked Alex better too.

She looked around. She could probably text Syd right now without getting caught… At least she knew she was important to them, even if she probably didn’t matter that much to anyone else.

Deciding to risk her phone being confiscated for the day, she took it out and wrote her significant other a quick text. “ _Hey! How’s it goin’?_ ”

Moments before she finished her text, she heard a Sister clear her throat behind her and sighed.

“I’m sorry, Elena, but rules are rules.” She held out her hand.

Quickly exiting the text, Elena sighed. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“You can pick your phone up in the office at the end of the day.”

“Okay.”

When the Sister left, she returned to her lunch. It would be nice if she had someone to keep her company, but she knew Alex probably didn’t want to hang out with his unpopular older sister at school.

Lunchtime as a homeschool student must be nice, she mused. She would love to eat Abuelita’s cooking instead of the school lunch. It wasn’t horrible, but it tended to be pretty bland, and the milk tasted like cardboard.

Then again, next year was her senior year. Only one more year of these school lunches.

She wondered what would happen to her and Syd when it came time for college. Honestly, she hadn’t decided herself where she wanted to go, and she didn’t want herself or Syd to change their school of choice to be with the other. That meant they would probably be long-distance… Would Syd meet someone else at college, and like her better? Would they find someone they liked better than her, just like everybody else, and replace her?

Maybe the only reason Syd liked her was because they didn’t know that many other people. She felt a little guilty for thinking that way – it didn’t exactly say great things about Syd – but it lurked nonetheless.

\---

Elena and Alex were sitting at the kitchen table doing their homework when she found herself starting to get overwhelmed. That was how she felt most of the time anyway, but this time, it was clawing at her chest and she knew this feeling all too well.

“I need to take a break for a minute,” she said, standing abruptly. It wasn’t like her grades were bad and somebody would worry if she wasn’t doing her homework as soon as she got home, anyway. Besides, it was just her and Alex in the apartment at the moment, and he probably wouldn’t think much of her acting a little odd.

“Uh… okay.” As though to confirm her point, he looked up at her for only a second before shrugging and returning to his own work. The truth was that while he absolutely cared, he figured she was anxious and was going to go do whatever she needed to do to calm down.

And, well, he wasn’t wrong. He just didn’t know the extent of what she was dealing with, and how could he?

Elena made her way to her room. She didn’t mind meditating in the living room, but lately she had found herself wanting privacy more and more. Being around the rest of the family meant putting on her mask and pretending everything was okay, and that was horribly draining. Anyway, meditating was more of a preventative thing than something to do when she was in the midst of an anxiety attack.

Once in her room, she sat down on her bed and looked around for something that would bring her comfort. There were a lot of things in here that made her happy, but there were too many options for her to choose one when her brain felt like it was short-circuiting like this. Mamí always looked at silly things like dogs with wigs, but she had left her phone in the kitchen, so that wouldn’t work.

She ended up just waiting it out. By the time her anxiety attack had passed, she felt exhausted. She needed to go back out and finish her homework before Alex started to get worried, but to go out there and pretend to be okay felt like walking up a mountain.

And now she was taking forever and she should come up with an excuse. Was there something she could claim she had needed to look for? She went to her desk and opened the drawer. She had plenty of pencils and an eraser in her bag. She didn’t really have any reason to need a pen. Definitely didn’t need glue or tape or scissors.

Scissors.

The sharp edge took her breath away. She picked them up, opened them, and very lightly touched across the metal as though in a daze.

She couldn’t do that. No matter the thoughts in her head telling her it would make her feel better. She couldn’t.

Elena forced herself to put the scissors away. She grabbed a paperclip, deciding that it would make a flimsy excuse but it was enough that he could probably just chalk it up to “Elena being weird again.”

If he thought anything of her sudden claim that she had needed to find a paperclip odd, he didn’t say as much. The two worked quietly, pausing only briefly when Abuelita returned home and started to make dinner.

When her homework was finished, Elena went to her room. Alex had already finished his and done the same.

She checked her phone, mostly to see if there had been any texts from Syd while she was away. Not that she had texted Syd at all yet today. They were past the clingy, “need to talk to my SO every single day” phase of the relationship, though, so that wasn’t strange.

She wanted to text Syd, but no words came to mind. Instead, she ended up staring at the keyboard and a blank text until she was called for dinner.

Mamí wasn’t home from work yet, so it was her, Abuelita, Alex, and Schneider. That was pretty typical.

Sometimes when Penelope was there, she would actually ask about Elena. Not always, but sometimes. Whereas on nights like this, if it wasn’t Alex dominating the conversation – or Abuelita _about_ Alex – it was Schneider. She couldn’t get a word in edgewise even if she tried. So she just sat there, trying to appear engaged, nodding at appropriate times and smiling. Penelope arrived toward the tail end of dinner, at which point the rest of them got to hear a second retelling of Alex’s and Schneider’s days.

As soon as dinner was over and the dishes were clean and put away, Elena disappeared into her room. Solitude at last. She would rather just be _actually_ alone than being surrounded by people who were supposed to care about her and still feel alone anyway.

She decided to try reaching out to Syd. Lacking anything of particular interest to share, she went with a simple text: “ _How was your day?_ ” As soon as she had sent the text, she regretted it, knowing the question would likely be returned. It wasn’t one she wanted to answer, but she really didn’t want to get into a habit of lying to them, either.

A few minutes passed. Deciding there was no benefit to staring at her phone, Elena busied herself catching up on _Black Lightning_.

Syd replied not long after. “ _Not bad! The usual homeschool stuff, you know. But hey, week is half over! How was your day?_ ”

Sure enough. Elena bit her lip, trying to decide on a response. In person, maybe she could have deflected, but over text it might be more obvious that she was dodging the question. “ _The usual too. Looking forward to the weekend._ ”

“ _Any plans?_ ”

“ _Not yet. Wanna make some plans? They just released season 4 of Supergirl on Netflix…_ ” Some quality time with Syd would do her some good. No matter how crummy she had been feeling most of the time lately, they were one of the things that still made her feel genuinely happier.

“ _I’m always game for some gay TV! Maybe Saturday afternoon?_ ”

Elena managed a small smile. “ _Sounds great. I’ll check with Mamí but I’m sure it’s fine! See you Saturday._ ”

When she poked her head out of her room, Schneider was talking with her mamí and Lydia. Great, now she was interrupting. Sometimes it felt like the only time she got to talk with her family was one-on-one, or when she was interrupting.

Penelope noticed her daughter hesitating and turned her attention to her. “Hey Elena, what’s up?”

“We don’t have any plans this Saturday, do we?”

The three adults thought the question over. After a few seconds, Penelope answered, “I don’t think so, no. Why?”

“I was thinking about having Syd over.”

“That should be fine.” She smiled, glad her daughter was so happy with her significant other.

“Thanks, Mamí.” She went back to her room and confirmed the plans with Syd.

A couple of hours later, Elena was in her pajamas. Schneider had gone back to his own apartment, and everyone was getting ready for bed. She turned off the light, laid down and tried to fall asleep.

Her brain wouldn’t let her sleep, as usual. She was so tired all the time, but she just couldn’t fall asleep. Could it be any more frustrating? To make things worse, her mind was going in circles.

She was so dumb, texting at school. Was she going to end up making a habit of it? Worse, was she becoming some pathetic girl who was dependent on her significant other’s emotional support? She hated that. She wasn’t some damsel in distress who needed to be saved. It wasn’t a healthy dynamic, either, and she shouldn’t be dragging Syd into such a thing.

She was a bad girlfriend. Why did Syd even put up with her?

Every now and then, the sharp edge of the scissors crossed her mind. She knew it was a bad idea. Just a strange impulse… but an impulse she had already been fighting for months.

Secretly, she had been reading about it online. People said they wished they had never started, because they ended up addicted. But she wouldn’t become addicted, would she? Even if she did it?

Then there were other things to think about. Like how she would hide it. But oh, she had been thinking about that for so long now she had already figured out that much.

It was so painfully tempting. Just to try it. Just to see if it would actually help. Anything to find some relief from the weight that seemed to be holding her down. Before, she could at least find some escape in sleep, but lately sleep had been so hard to come by, and she woke up feeling just as exhausted as when she went to bed.

Maybe she should. Just once wasn’t a big deal, right? Like, plenty of people drank alcohol sometimes and not many of them became addicted. Heck, there were people who got addicted to video games, but she had never hesitated to play video games for fear of becoming addicted. Why should this be any different?

(She knew, deep down, that she was twisting things. That she was coming up with any mental gymnastics she could to justify this to herself. And yet, the knowledge was pushed too far to the back of her mind for her to actually listen to it.)

Making up her mind, Elena opened the curtains just enough to let some moonlight in. She couldn’t risk turning on the light and having someone realize she wasn’t asleep and come in to check on her or ask why she was still awake. And if she had the light off and somebody did walk in on her for some bizarre reason, it would be easier to hide what she was doing.

Quietly, she opened the drawer and retrieved the scissors. Wait, she needed something to hide the blood. Tissues were too big a risk if someone decided to be nice and empty her bedroom trash for her.

Slipping the scissors into a pajama pocket, she crept to the bathroom. It wasn’t unheard of for someone to wake up and need to go to the bathroom during the night. Nobody would question it, as long as she was quick about it.

She rolled her loose PJ sleeves up as high as she could. It didn’t go as high as she wanted, but she got it well enough above her elbow. No need to worry about her sleeve riding up a little bit and revealing everything.

Taking a deep breath, Elena opened the scissors. She had no idea what to expect, how much damage they could actually do. Would she need to press hard to get an effect?

_Just go for it. Stop overthinking everything._

She drew the blade across her skin. Once, twice. Another time. She should probably stop there for tonight.

Wiping off the scissors and putting them back in her pocket, she watched with fascination as the blood beaded up, filled the lines, and then started to overflow. She quickly got some toilet paper and pressed it to the wounds. Much as she wanted to watch for some morbid reason unknown to her, she couldn’t risk getting blood somewhere. The period excuse was always an option in an emergency, but better just to hide it completely.

The toilet paper was thin and it didn’t take long at all for it to be dyed red. Ah, she was running out of time! People were going to start getting concerned if she didn’t hurry up. She threw the toilet paper in the toilet, flushed it, and went to the sink. She couldn’t get her upper arm into the sink, but at least she was able to use the water to wash away the blood.

It didn’t take long for the bleeding to stop, but she was still cautious. Elena wrapped it in some more toilet paper, deciding that she would pocket it when she was sure the bleeding had stopped and flush it in the morning. Shouldn’t be an issue as long as she remembered.

A while later, the bleeding had stopped. She had put away the scissors, and now she closed the curtains. She settled into bed, closing her eyes.

_Maybe next time I can do it when I’m already in the shower._

…Next time?


	2. What Would You Do if You Knew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: "Take Me Away" by Avril Lavigne

“So… next weekend, I’m going to have the house to myself for a few hours,” Syd said, their voice lowered. “Do you want to… come over?”

Elena looked over to the door, which was just slightly ajar, per the house rules. She was a little worried that her mamí might be within earshot. Then again, it seemed she and Penelope had come to an unspoken agreement: it was fine for her and Syd to have sex, so long as her mamí didn’t have to know about it. With any luck, that would mean that her request to go to Syd’s wouldn’t be met with too many questions.

Of course, their opportunities to actually have sex were still limited; they had only pulled it off once since that evening in the hotel. Sure, Elena could drive, but that didn’t mean much when she couldn’t drive with Syd in the car without an adult! Besides, what were they supposed to do, engage in public indecency in the car? In the past few months, she hadn’t felt that interested anyway.

“Yeah, that sounds great.” She forced a smile, hoping she would feel up to it when the time came.

Syd frowned. “Elena, you know we never have to do anything you don’t want to, right? Even if you come over, it doesn’t mean we have to do anything.”

Crap. They had noticed that she wasn’t as into it as she usually was. She shifted, trying to come up with an excuse. “Thanks.”

They hesitated, then moved to place a hand on Elena’s cheek. “Is everything okay between us? You’ve been distant lately.”

_Stupid, stupid Elena. You’ve made Syd insecure. You hurt them._ The Impulse hit her again, but she pushed it aside – she couldn’t do _that_ while Syd was here. “I’m sorry. It’s not you. I’ve just been… really stressed thinking about college applications lately.”

Understanding, they softened. “I get it. I’m not as worried as you are, but I’m stressed too, so I get it.”

“Yeah. It’ll pass once I figure this out,” she said. Wanting to ensure that the subject wasn’t pressed any further, she kissed Syd. The fluttering feelings still lit in her stomach, which was a pleasant distraction from her feelings anyway.

Later, alone in the shower, Elena continued to beat herself up over making Syd insecure. Not only that, but they were going to have sex? Great, she loved feeling that close to Syd, but what was she going to do about _this?_

‘This’ referring to her arms. The blood that was currently washing down the drain. From her elbow to her shoulder, both arms sported a myriad of scars and cuts in various stages of healing from the past couple of months. There was no way that anybody could look at her arms and think it was caused by anything other than… exactly what it was caused by.

She couldn’t tell them. She couldn’t let them see her arms. But she couldn’t just say she never wanted to have sex with them again – she _could_ , maybe, but she didn’t _want_ to – and it would be bizarre if she suddenly wanted to keep her shirt on during sex. She had to come up with some way to hide her arms… with her clothes off.

\---

Both seated on the bed, Elena kissed her significant other again, allowing herself to be lost in the feelings. The empty house was silent save for the two of them.

Syd paused their roaming hands, pulling away just enough to look into their girlfriend’s eyes. “Elena, do you want to have sex with me?”

“An enthusiastic yes,” she said, a warm smile on her lips. “Syd, do _you_ want to have sex with _me?_ ”

“Yes!” They grinned and resumed kissing her.

As the two kissed, their hands began to roam across each other’s bodies. Syd’s hands found their way under Elena’s shirt, and began to lift it over her head—

Elena froze, the reality of the need to hide her arms crashing back down on her. “Wait!”

They immediately pulled away, looking at her in concern.

Her arms wrapped around her body. She had prepared the lie, but her conscience was already eating away at her. “Um, could we… turn the lights off? I’ve… gained some weight, and I don’t feel great about my body.”

“If it’s more comfortable for you, of course. But you know you’re beautiful, right? Plus, modern standards of beauty—”

“I know.” She averted her gaze. Now that Syd brought it up, the lie felt so stupid. When had she ever subscribed to such notions? “I know, it’s stupid. But I don’t want you to see my body, okay?”

“Your feelings aren’t stupid.” They reached out to hold Elena’s hand. “It’s okay. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.”

Tears welled in her eyes, guilt threatening to swallow her whole. She so desperately wanted that acceptance to be genuine, and from Syd’s perspective she knew it was, but they couldn’t give a genuine answer to a lie. It made her want to confess everything, but she was sure the answer she would receive wouldn’t be nearly so accepting. How could Syd accept her if they knew the truth?

“Is it okay if I hug you?” they asked gently, wanting to be sure they were respecting Elena’s boundaries.

Elena nodded, leaning in. This wasn’t how she had planned things to go, and the tears began to fall against her will. Way to ruin the mood. They obviously weren’t going to be having sex _now_. Why did Syd even put up with her?

Syd drew her close and rubbed her back. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Her tears picked up, sobs starting to shake her frame. She wanted to confess everything so badly. It felt horrible to have to hide things from them, from _everyone_. But how could she tell them? They might tell her mamí. They might stop loving her and think she was a freak, or- or-…

“I love you, Elena. Exactly like you are.”

She caved and allowed herself to cry. Syd’s reassurances weren’t really sinking in, but they felt nice to hear anyway. No amount of tears would really make her feel better, she was sure, but at least it brought a little bit of emotional release.

Syd continued to murmur reassurances, comforting their girlfriend as best they could. They felt powerless, not knowing how to actually help Elena. They were attentive and observant enough to know that something was going on with Elena beyond college applications and possibly gaining a few pounds, but they didn’t know what to do if Elena didn’t want to talk about it. It was an awful, helpless feeling to see someone they loved so upset and not even know what was wrong or how to help.

After a while, Elena started to calm, her breathing slowing and evening out. “I’m sorry. I know I totally ruined the mood.”

Syd pulled away so they could wipe away her tears. “Your well-being is more important to me than whether we have sex.”

“Thank you.”

They hesitated, then decided to speak up. “Can you promise me that if I ask you something, you’ll answer me honestly?”

Her body tensed, slightly terrified of what question might come next. But saying she didn’t want to talk about it would be an honest answer, so that should be okay. Gathering her resolve, she nodded. “Okay.”

A deep breath to calm themselves before asking the stressful question. “Are you… eating? Look, you said you think you’re too fat, but it looks to me like you’ve been _losing_ weight lately.”

“Oh. _Oh_. No… I mean, yes, I’m eating. Cuban family, remember? Abuelita always wants to feed you more. Mamí too.” Though it was true that she just hadn’t been all that hungry lately. When asked, she claimed it was probably because she had finished growing, and they seemed to more or less accept that. “I promise, I don’t have an eating disorder. I’m eating enough; I’m not making myself sick; I’m not exercising more than usual.”

Syd still looked worried, searching her eyes for any signs that she was hiding something. When they couldn’t find any indication of such, they decided not to push the matter. If Elena was eating the same as usual and nothing was wrong in that regard, it didn’t make sense that she was losing weight, much less that she thought of herself as too fat to be seen… but they didn’t want to call their girlfriend a liar after she had promised to be honest, either. Maybe Elena just needed more time to feel ready to talk. “Okay. You know that you can talk to me about anything, right? If something is bothering you… I want to help.”

She averted her eyes. “Thank you. Same to you.”

Something was obviously bothering her. But if Elena didn’t want to talk about it, they knew that they couldn’t force her to do so. All they could do was support her and hope that she felt better soon.


End file.
